One of the things I find most entertaining on this planet is when my imagination takes something literally and runs with it. Most of the time, it runs far, far away.
For instance: I’ve been neglecting writing on my blog because I’ve been making the horrible pictures you are about to see because of this:
For over a week now, I have had this swirling around in my head. It’s been dancing around like fallen leaves in an autumn breeze. Popping in and out of my thoughts on a whim. Leaving me giggling for no apparent reason. Not the actual commercial itself, but where my imagination went after I watched it. Either way, it’s been a little weird.
**DISCLAIMER/WARNING: When I started making these pictures, I thought I had made up this site. I checked before posting this and -gasp!- it’s a real site. Of course it is. Needless to say, this is a fictional depiction of what went through my head when I thought about the commercial I saw. It may even be the commercial for that site. I don’t know. I only really caught the end of it. Any likeness portrayed here is purely coincidental because I’m too lazy to go back and mess with the pictures anymore. And I may have spent way too much time on this already.**
The content that follows is pretty stupid. I do not offer refunds for time wasted. Sorry. I just need to clear the mess out so I can tell you about the turkey.
Anyways, this is roughly what I keep picturing. And also why someone needs to invent the little picture thingy-ma-bob that I was talking about in my last post because this all looks WAY better in my head.
It starts out with a young gentleman looking for a “date” on the interwebs.
“Don’t mind me. Just lookin’ for love…”
After some advice from his friends, he decides that he wants to find himself a “sugar mama” (don’t we all?), and stumbles upon this little gem:
“How cute! She’s pretending that she’s an actual cougar. Because she’s a “cougar”. I’ll bet she’s fun!”
While most of them are not the “Mama” he’s looking for, they’re willing to do unscrupulous things to a young man. RIGHT NOW. So he emails one.
“I can smell the desperation through my iPad” (says the cougar)
And she writes back…
“NO WAY! She wrote back! I’m totally getting some this weekend! I better go buy more hair gel!”
He’s very excited to meet Sarabi, of course, but is a little bit surprised when he arrives and is shown to his table on the patio. (It’s a fake name. She stole it from The Lion King because she loves that movie. And because someone’s daughter suggested we use that name.)
“This isn’t being “cute”. There is really a fucking cougar at the table!”
Trying to have a conversation on a first date would be awkward with anyone. But this would definitely make it that much more difficult.
How do you tell a cougar you don’t care about her cubs without being eaten? You don’t.
Yes, that’s already his second drink. Don’t judge him. He’s young and dumb and SITTING WITH A FRICKIN’ COUGAR!
Because cougars use really outdated cell phones.
After showing him 837 pictures of her (now fully grown) babies doing adorable things; She tells him that she took a picture of him and put it into an app on her phone that shows what their children might possibly look like.
Because that’s not creepy and something that a completely sane person would do on a first date, right? Not that I’ve ever done that…
She’s got your nose.
Finally, after meeting at the restaurant, finding out that his cougar is an actual jungle cat, and being forced to look at too many “adorable” pictures, “John” decides it’s time to run. He decides that the ‘slip out the bathroom window’ routine is probably the easiest way to go.
Sarabi catches on, and decides that – instead of being offended or heartbroken, she’s going to chalk it up as a loss and just take her grand-kids their left-overs from the restaurant.
“Thanks, Grandma!”
Never run from a cougar.
Sorry the end was so anti-climactic. All of these events take place in about a twenty second time span in my head. Fully illustrated insanity. If I were to add together all the time I’ve wasted in twenty second increments over the last week or so that I spent picturing this: It would amount to at least a full day.
Not including the time I spent making these ridiculous pictures. Which is why there aren’t any of her chasing him down and putting him in a to-go box.
I think I have a problem and may need a hobby. OR some medication…
That’s it. You killed me. I’m dead. Of cougar-related laughter/happiness. I hope you’re satisfied.
I am, actually! I think I looked at all of that for so long that I was worried it was stupid. It still cracked me up though, so I went ahead and published it anyway.
I’ll send a dray of evil attack squirrels your way of you DARE get a hobby or any medication! This is fucking hilarious!!! The artwork rocks!
Thanks. I spent WAY too much time on it, but it wouldn’t get out of my head!
Can I just say I’m going to get medication to trick you into sending your evil attack squirrels? Morale is low over here because the cold is coming and the squirrels are waging war against the groundhogs. The groundhogs have enlisted the help of the birds somehow, so now the squirrels are at a total disadvantage…
Hahaha, a very good use of time and photoshop, I say. The foo-foo pink cell phone was really the icing on the cake
I thought so too. I figured that a cougar would probably pick something with a keyboard over a touchscreen. Claws would make swiping too difficult and just scratch the screen. Her insurance would end up through the roof!
haha!! The story and pictures just kept getting better and better!!! I love that you take the time to add your own drawings to your blog!
It wouldn’t be a proper trip through the inside of my head if I didn’t! Thanks honey! <3
Man, I wish I’d have gone to the tinkletorium BEFORE reading this. Though, now it’s not quite so urgent. And my chair is warm.
Mostly, I’m super-impressed with Sarabi’s typing skills. The talking I understand – we’ve got mountain lions in our neighborhood and they’re chatty – but the typing? Especially on a Blackberry? NICE!
I wonder if she’d let me babysit her grandkits…
Bwaahahahahaha! Tinkletorium… I love new words!
I was thinking that same thing as I was doing that one and almost just mashed my hands on something close to the letters I needed to try to form crazy cougar words, but I wanted it to be readable.
I’m just going to assume that she’s dainty. She’s a dainty cougar.
Or has a stick that she types with by holding it in her mouth.
Or uses the speech to text.
OR maybe she has a human slave to handle all of her emails for her! That one sounds exciting! I’m going with that one.
Oh my gosh! Human slaves who do your typing are called “secretaries” – your cougar has a secretary! How awesome is that!
She’s a thoroughly modern cougar woman.
Paid or not, I like the term slave better. I know it’s not “PC”, but since when do I give a fly’s bunghole about that?
Someday I plan on having midget slaves. However, I know it is illegal to own “people” so my solution is to become rich enough somehow (still figuring that part out) to pay them to be live-in help.
They’ll have to sign a contract to agree to do my evil bidding before I employ them though.
So if two negatives make a positive, then saying “midget slaves” (because those are both un-PC terms, right) is a good thing, yes? I think that shows sound logic.
I like how your mind works! I too have those mad moments when a little thought kind of runs off with me….Okay, I am like that most of the time..Unfortunately for me (and fortunately for everyone else) my drawing/photo editing skills are the most basic of basic..Sometimes I have an epic blog in my head but just lack the talent for the artwork….
That’s why I use stick people and photoshop to share my imagination. If I had to free-hand any of this, it wouldn’t be there. And if I had some writing talent, I wouldn’t need pictures at all because I could paint them with my words. (I said that last sentence in my head slowly, in my best Antonio Banderas voice because it felt like it needed to be said romantically.)
Oh, if only it were only real live animal cougars who force fed you a thousand pictures of their babies/grand babies. I work in an office where most people are 20 years older than me, and every day they have new pictures. I’m cool with the occasional pic, but 50 of them just laying there asleep tries my patience. Especially since I’m still in the age group where if I go “Hey, wonna see this awesome pic?” It’s probably something horribly embarrassing a friend of mine has done, or a hot half-naked person.
I know! I said that last week to some people. You know what the picture was? The one I made of the yard gnome watching “porn”. I don’t know that you can even call it that. He’s watching a dog sniff another one’s butt while it’s taking a dump.
Is it bad that the gnome is my favorite picture in the world right now, even though I have 3 kids?
I’d say it’s quirky lol. Quirky is a safe descriptor.
Um, yeah, I couldn’t even read this post because I kept scrolling down and giggling at it. Nice work! I’m coming back tomorrow to see if I can get through it without giggling and/or meowing out loud.
YAY! Come back any time! I leave the door unlocked in the hopes that one of you will molest me when I’m not looking.
And you didn’t miss much. It’s basically a bunch of nonsensical rambling with some crappy pictures.
I am technically a cougar, since my husband is a year younger than I am, and let me tell you – based on your drawings, I’d rather be a non-human variety of cougar. More blood and laughs, less jokes at my expense.
Oh god, I’m dead. I’m way too lazy to draw cartoons like this, you’re awesome. That’s all.