For the last few weeks, I’ve been having trouble sleeping. And by “trouble”, I mean that I’m lucky to get somewhere between two and five hours every few days. It really kind of sucks.
Last night*, I actually slept like a rock. I was so tired when I laid down at 11, that when Manchild tried to snuggle me, I thought he was trying to get “friendly” and threw him off of me like he was made of hot coals. I’m pretty sure that I offended him. Mostly because he told me this morning that it offended him.
If you suffer from insomnia in any way, shape, or form, you know how much it blows donkey balls having to be quiet while the rest of the house (and most of your part of the world) is asleep. Your after hour activities are very limited in the middle of the night. Which leads me to into being very creative in the dark to entertain myself.
Over time, I’ve found that it really doesn’t take much to entertain one’s self when you haven’t slept properly in days. (Okay, so I’m always easily entertained, but it gets easier when your brain is stuck on a loop and half of it was using drugs without your knowledge.) The following is a list of things I did recently while I was awake all night:
- Started knitting a two-headed sweater for my friend Troy and I to wear in public. Because how funny would it be for a 6’4″ man and a 5’4″ woman to share a sweater? VERY! That’s how.
- Remembered I can’t knit; crocheted instead.
- Ended up with 3 new potholders because crocheting sweaters sucks. And I’ve never made a sweater. (I wouldn’t even know where to begin. Sleeves? Neck(s)? It’s soo much pressure!)
- Tried to figure out the stupidest faces I could make in the mirror.
- Took pictures.
- Ended up with 42 stupid pictures on my phone.
- Deleted said pictures.
- Made kid’s lunch for the next day. Packed too much. Ate the extra cookies.
- Ate more cookies.
- Realized I ate all the cookies and made more because – fuck it. I can’t sleep. No hand-mixer = no noise, right? And my “nom, nom, nom” can’t possibly be that loud.
- Organized a giant box of random yarn by shades. Dark to light. Just for it to get fucked up next time I use yarn; or my 3 year old busts into it to make another “spiderweb” (a cluster-fuck of tangled yarn all over the house).
- Thought of some random things garden gnomes might do at night while most people are asleep. This was my favorite, so I made you a picture. You’re welcome.
This is something I actually think about. Sadly, things like this are not necessarily insomnia induced.
- Tried to trick myself into sleeping because it was almost 5am and the oldest kid would be getting up for school in about an hour.
Thinking is not sleeping
I give up when my stomach starts eating itself.
- Tried to edit my blog post about becoming the “crazy cat lady” (sans cats) that eternally sits in the draft folder because I can’t finish it. I just can’t stop laughing at the crazy cat lady video from The Simpsons I was going to upload.
- Got super hungry. Proceeded to eat whatever I could find that wasn’t raw and didn’t look like it would eat me first.
- Exercised until I started sweating because sweat is gross if there’s not an orgasm involved. (This is also why I’m the physically amazing goddess that I am)
- Took a shower to get rid of the almost sweat that I almost broke.
- Woke up oldest child for school
- Made coffee
- Pretended to be human for an hour while the cable guy was here. I’m not sure he was 100% convinced, but he didn’t run away screaming or call the local insane asylum (that I know of), so it couldn’t have been too bad. Right?
So that’s it. That was just one night in la-la-land with The Jeneral. Most of the other nights are spent trolling away on the computer – either making horrible pictures or trying to catch up on my blog-stalking. I figured this one would be more entertaining for you guys. Again, you’re welcome.
What kinds of things do you do if/when you can’t sleep? I need more ideas. My pants can’t handle many more nights like this. SO MANY COOKIES! And this was all pre-Halloween!
* It was Thursday night that I slept. I had no idea what day it was when I started this around 1am. I’ve obviously lost a day somewhere because I woke up my kid for school at 6 and she told me that it’s Saturday. I had to check my phone because I didn’t believe her. Wow. I really hope I sleep soon!
This was awesome. I have the same trouble sleeping. In fact, without sleep-aids, I’d just lay here all night long thinking about useless things like the time I exchanged engraved ID bracelets with a boy at the skating rink when I was 10. FOR NO GOOD REASON AT ALL. But after reading this, I’m thinking it’s possible I could do my best writing when I’m not sleeping, so maybe…
You should try it sometime. If nothing else, it’ll give you an excuse to think about nothing for no reason.
Unfortunately, I can’t take the wonderfulness that is sleepy-time meds. IF I wake up the next day, I’m a zombie. Literally. I shuffle slowly around the house in a stupor mumbling everything I say. I’m pretty sure my kids think I’ve “turned” and will, in fact, eat their brains if they get too close.
Insomnia sucks. I have no useful advice, but I’m sorry you’re going through it. Also, your German gnome porn picture has scarred me for life. So, well done there.
Sorry. That’s why there’s a warning on my site. I should probably update that…
Your garden gnome picture is hilarious! You should share the rest of your garden gnome thoughts someday. I don’t really have too many insomnia suggestions, as I think it’s just luck when something actually works, but two things that semi-succeeded was drinking Night Night Tea (it’s seriously called that…Teavana makes it I think) before bed, and listening to this hour long meditative track that consists of Tibetan Singing Bowls, but has wind and rain mixed in. I wish I had a name of it for you, but someone burned me it a long time ago. Something about those singing bowls just makes my brain turn off and go to sleep.
OOH! That reminds me that I have an app on my phone that has a boat-load of “soothing” sounds and whatnot. I’m pretty sure I can make and save my own tracks too. I’ll have to try that tonight.
I don’t know what singing bowls are, but my imagination took that literally and THAT is flippin’ hilarious!
ha!! I never thought of them literally, so thank you for that visual!
Sorry lady no curing your insomnia, because then I would have no one to talk to while I am suffering mine;-)
That is true. But if I don’t get some regular sleep soon, I will surely end up in a room with padded walls hugging myself.
Ooh finally a chance to be roommates!!!!!
I share that insomnia with you. My MD gave me Trazodone to help me sleep, it works but it also makes waking up a bitch. And the bottle states that I shouldn’t consume alcohol with Trazodone…stupid bottle.
YEAH, stupid bottle! I never listen to inanimate objects anymore. Not after the great picnic table tragedy of ’06…
I draw comics about not sleeping, organize my cd’s into alphabetical order, and once I had a bunch of tiny pink bears (like something for arts and crafts) and I set their ears on fire, gave them signs about animal cruelty and took pictures.
THAT is AWESOME! Do you still have any of those pictures? I want to go to there. Awhile back I spent the night arranging my son’s action figures in compromising poses and sending pictures to my buddy at work. Because – why the eff not, right?
On an old computer stuffed in a closet I do. They were tiny fuzzy pink bears. This makes me want to go to Hobby Lobby or something…and somewhere that sells lighters.
DO IT!!! I will be your best stalker/friend EVER! I really do love mutilated bears and crafts gone wrong in an amazingly twisted way.
We could start a new site for things of that nature! Sadly, I bet it would get way more hits than the two of our sites combined and then some. We could become bajillionaires by burning things. What self-proclaimed crazy person doesn’t love that idea? I know you do…