Are you ready to have your mind-nugget blown? What I am about to admit may shock the living hell out of (some of) you. Go grab a box of tissues now, because this is very disheartening.
There have been rumors and speculation that I may not be of this planet…
Well, I’m here today to tell you that, I, am in fact, a human.
100%, actually.
A purebred, if you will.
A living, breathing, eating, drinking, pooping machine that is thoroughly annoyed with my family right now.
Now, normally, I’m a “glass half full” kind of person. I could stub my toe, and in the process of leaning down to grab it, smack myself in the eye on the corner of the counter, then stand up and bang my head on the cupboard, and I’d just laugh it off, saying something like: “I really could have found a better way to try to get disability benefits. This isn’t going to get me shit! I can still see for fuck’s sake!”
But today?
I’m pretty sure that side of me stayed in bed, snuggled up with the dog, dreaming about doing dirty things with Mike Rowe.
…and I’m not talking jobs, here ladies! Well, maybe just one ;o
God, I wish I was still in bed with the “glass half full” part of me. I’ll bet she’s all kinds of cozy right now…
“They” say that it’s the little things in life that matter, right?
It’s the little things that make a difference.
It’s the little things that drive us nucking futs.
All of the little, teeny, tiny, itty, bitty things.
Any other day, I’d be looking at all of the annoying things that have happened today and say something like: “Silly kids. Why would they put the Kool-Aid container back in the fridge almost empty?”, and then just make some more.
But not today…
Normally, I would look at these tiny frozen 2 x 3.5 inch blocks of frozen hamburger and laugh.
Tonight, I couldn’t…
I had to use 5 of these to make sloppy joes for 7 people.
Then I would look at the dog and say: “Dozer, scoot over”, and he would move so I could get into the pantry to finish cooking dinner.
Instead, he laid there like he was the King of the castle, and I was inconveniencing him by even breathing the same air…
USUALLY, I would go pee, look at the empty tube on the roller, and then at the half used roll on the counter, and say, “Now, why in the world did nobody put this on the thingy yet?”
But not today.
Not today!
NOT-TO-FUCKING-DAY!!!
I feel like I have what most women refer to as PMS.
But, you see, I’ve never had a problem with that before.
Yeah, whatever. Hate me because I’m a freak of nature. If it makes you feel any better, I get cramps that feel like there’s an alien trying to make it’s way out of my ovaries with a cane & a top hat singing “Hello my baby, Hello my darling, Hello my rag-time gaaaaaal…”, and it’s dumb.
It’s like I woke up with all the raging, psychotic hormones of a woman that’s 8 months pregnant! Everyone is annoying right now. Everything they say, or do, just makes me want to slap them. ALL of them!
“How was your day, hun?” fwap!
“Mom, can I have some cookies?” bap!
“Check out this video of a midget rodeo clown riding a unicycle with a monkey on it’s back while they eat ice cream sandwiches and juggle chainsaws!” junk punch!
“I can’t take this anymore!”, I thought. “If one more stupid thing happens today, I’m going to kill my family. I’m going to stab them, and punch them, and stab them some more. Then I’m going to chop them up into itty bitty pieces and feed them to Dozer, and the turkeys in Gary’s yard. Or at the very least, I’m going to sell them all to the Gypsies.”
“No good can come of this.”, I told myself.
I had to calm down. I needed to escape for just one fucking minute!
I tried breathing. I tried counting. I tried jumping jacks. I ran in place. I even did a few sit-ups, which just made me even more mad because sit-ups annoy the crap out of me! (Not literally though. That would be gross.)
I tried hiding in the downstairs closet with my laptop and a flashlight, but Stinkerbell (that’s what I call the 3yr old) found me. “Silly Mommy! What are you doing in the closet? Can I hide too?”
“VODKA! I have vodka!”, I yelled, as I rushed past her toward the kitchen. She (of course) followed me, asking what “bot-ka” is.
“It’s Mommy juice. Hopefully we have just enough left in the cupboard to snap Mommy out of this little funk before she goes to jail.”
“Can I go to jail too? I can be your helper! I’m a good helper and I’m berry strong. See?” she said, flexing her arm.
I got to the kitchen and found the bottle. There wasn’t much, but it was enough to get me to smile, for sure. Or at least get me to the point where I could read bedtime stories without wanting to strangle Curious George.
I went to the fridge to get some cranberry juice to add to my magic potion — but alas, it was gone.
Well, not gone. There was literally “a splash” left in the container…
…and then the phone rang.
Game. Over.
Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. I’ll have to bring the other me some coffee and whisper nice things to make sure she gets up with me in the morning.
UPDATE: I was told by one of my favorite stalker/stalkees that I should enter something into the “DudeWrite” contest that they occasionally hold for Dudettes, so I am officially adding this one, because, why the hell not? Voting starts on Sunday, so get your asses over there and vote for me! I need a “Man Card” to paste on my blog because the one in my wallet has been soaked by juice boxes and is now illegible.
The picture of your fridge looks just like my fridge when my son is home. Except mine has new life forms breeding in the very back as well as empty milk and juice jugs
Mommy Juice. Breakfast (and lunch. And dinner) of champions
I cropped out all of the things that were dying in the back. One of them asked me for a light. I had no idea that leftovers could get so old that they’d start talking AND take up smoking!
The almost empty milk jug was on the shelf below…
And yes, Mommy Juice is probably the only reason that my family isn’t already buried or abandoned.
Ahaha, is that a pull and play phone you are smashing?
You should submit this or one of your other fine works to the Dude Write ladies week contest, they are taking submissions now: http://www.dudewrite.com/
I have totally heard (well, read) about that here and there but have yet to check it out. I will go do that right now! Thanks, lovey!
And yeah. It’s a play phone. It made more sense in my head to smash that thing. None of the other old phones I found online looked like they’d be as happy on my blog…
I hope the other you gets up tomorrow and that the rest of tonight is manageable…maybe treat yourself to some more Mommy juice?!
I don’t really do the PMS thing either, but today, while subbing for an extremely talkative first grade classroom, I pretty much wanted to strangle each and every one of them by the end of the day, and teaching is my life, so I knew something was off. On my drive home, all I could think about was getting to my wine and being thankful that I currently have no minions of my own, ’cause their heads would have literally been bitten off by now.
It’s freaking rough some days! I’m surprised that all three of mine are still alive. That might change when they start hitting puberty though.
I couldn’t be a teacher. I wanted to be when I was young, but then I realized that kids are assholes, and I don’t want to go to jail for duct taping them to the wall because they just WOULDN’T sit still!
And you’re weird enough that I’d be willing to put money on your kids turning out to be super-duper-awesome-sauce on so many different levels…
Awww, thanks! I’d be secretly disappointed if one of my kiddos came out normal.
It’s a shame teachers aren’t allowed to use duct tape. I mean, if a parent can’t teach their kids how to sit in a classroom, we should totally be allowed to tape them to their chairs….or walls.
You need to come over to my house for a glass of wine!
I really could have used it! Yesterday was horrible. Fortunately, today the “happy” side of me woke up at the same time as the rest of me, so I wasn’t a lunatic today. And tonight, I’m meeting up with one of my favorite people, so YAY for that!
My husband does that with milk. And I’m just like, dude, seriously? You can’t just finish it off??? Fortunately, I don’t drink milk.
We had one of those sitting on the bottom shelf.
And yeah, why wouldn’t you just finish it off? If it doesn’t fit in the cup, take a big gulp and then pour it. It’s not rocket science, people!
Normally, it doesn’t get to me. Yesterday was a fluke. I found an empty Kool-Aid container again today, and just laughed. I’m pretty sure my kids think I’m bipolar now…
So…very…funny! (You can imagine Bill Shatner there, even if it wasn’t what I was going for)
My kids think they’re pulling one over on dad when they drink the soda and eat the Oreos in dads “special” (and used to be locked) cabinet. Except they leave the flipping empty boxes in there. Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t like them eating and drinking the lasts of my stuff, but it is completely infuriating when they leave the box. Here I am glancing wistfully at the cabinet, knowing the slightly sick love affair I intend on a sleeve of Oreo goodness, promising it that I will be back later when we can be alone, only to find an empty box and then a similarly empty heart….
This was great stuff, coming from a glass is completely empty and the dog just knocked it on the floor for me to clean up the shards pessimist who had a seriously maddening week including a broken oven, herniated neck disk, broken alternator, and a speeding ticket. My wife left me end of last year so I figure I’m a dead dog away from a country song.
WG
That really IS the worst! The only thing more disappointing than lusting after an empty box of cookies, is, thinking that you have half a bottle of wine in the cabinet, just to find out that you drank it last night without thinking while you were trolling the interwebs. (maybe that’s just me)
Yikes! I thought I was having a case of “The Mondays”! I really smell a good song coming on here. Do you realize how much money you could make off of that? Then, with that money, you could buy a giant combination safe to store all of your Oreos in. OOH! You could put a mini-fridge in there too, so you’d always have a cold soda when you wanted it, without having to tie the children up interrogation style.
I love your phone; do your kids even know what that is? It doesn’t look like a smooth rectangle. I’m having a glass of wine on your behalf.
Thanks! That night made me realize that I should ALWAYS have an unopened bottle of wine sitting around somewhere…
Hahaha! “NOT-TO-FUCKING-DAY!!!” Cracked me up. I don’t always have PMS, but it’s funny, when I do, I generally don’t realize what is going on until afterward. During it, I think, ‘why is everyone else being jerks?’ but afterward, I’m like, “oooooh! that’s why!” You’d think after all these years I would know what’s what, but nope
RIGHT?! That’s why I related it to being 8 months pregnant. At that point, everyone was stupid, and mean, and dumb, and I wanted to kill them all.
*ugh!*
That was the most frustrating day I’ve had in almost 4 years! SO glad it’s over…
I asked my husband why he couldn’t switch out the toilet paper rolls, pick up his empty soda cans, throw his dirty socks in the hamper, etc. and the bastard had the nerve to say, “So you’d have something to do while I’m at work.” I’m up for parole in 6 years.
hahahaha! I just peed a little!
6 more years, huh? Well, hopefully they’ll let you out early for good behavior so we can chat. I need lots of tips on “what NOT to do”.
In my house? The half used roll of toilet paper would have been on the other side of the sink – the one that’s about four feet from the toilet. The empty roll would have been beside the toilet.
Why is it so hard? They’re obviously using it! We have a trash can directly under the roller, so it really is JUST THREE SIMPLE MOVEMENTS! Hell, if you do it right, you can do it in one fluid motion!
*sigh* First world problems, eh?
LOL! I don’t get PMS either, but I’m also not a glass half-full kind of person. I’m pretty much always cranky – at least toward my family – i have issues.
I definitely have my daily moments, but for the most part, I’m irrationally happy. Even without alcohol! It’s almost scary.
I like your style!
Mrs Jones and I can identify with most of your frustrations (e.g. toilet-roll not replaced, putting empty containers back in the fridge). Annoying though these things are, you’ll blink and your children will have grown up and left home – then you will be pining for those everyday frustrations. Or maybe not?
I’m going to guess not. Even when the kids leave, I’ll still be stuck with The Manchild. He’s a constant source of frustration and “why would someone even do that?” moments (hence the nickname).
You could totally be my best friend. It drives me crazy when people are inconsiderate! My kids run when I go on my rants!
Mine do too. Except for Stinkerbell. She likes to follow me around asking questions. I’ve come to the conclusion that she was sent to Earth to torture me. Or teach me patience…
I’m going with the torture.
I can’t stand it when people put empty jugs or leave empty 12-pack boxes in the fridge. Really? You can’t just finish it off, or put it in the sink/trash? Enjoyed it! Welcome to Dude Write!
Thanks! It was a last-minute, panicked entry into the contest because I was so excited that one of my followers recommended that I enter. Next time, I’ll be sure to have a heads-up on this and write something specifically tailored to it. I really regret entering this one instead of my cougar dating tips, or trying to train my speech-to-text program experiment. Those would have been much better for this type of thing. I almost asked if I could scrap this entry for a “What women really do in the shower” type of deal…
Oh my God, this whole post was genius. Glad you joined Dude Write with this one! That half-used TP roll sitting right beside the empty holder is a regular thing in my house and I DON’T EVEN HAVE KIDS TO BLAME. I’m going to have to go and do some deep breathing exercises of my own.
The Manchild is just as much to blame as the kids are for most of this stuff. 9 times out of 10, he’s the one that put a mostly empty jug back in the fridge. The minions usually leave it on the counter at that point, making whatever was in it, unusable.
I think the only reason this stuff hasn’t pushed me all the way over the edge, is that I’m holding onto a very minuscule amount of hope that I can still train them. I mean. I DID finally get The Manchild to stop drinking out of the milk carton…
We live in the same house (minus dog). Do you open the cupboards to find a box of poptarts, sans tarts? The other day I opened the fridge to find a bowl with three shrimp in it. Never mind that it started life as a bowl of 40. Apparently my kids don’t feel my fat ass needs more than three! I loved this!
Yes, I do! Same thing with chips, cereal, crackers, fruit snacks, and basically anything else that comes in a box.
Welcome to Dude Write!
The thing with the fridge caught my attention. We have 3 sons. 2 of which probably shouldn’t even be living at home anymore. Things like that were always going on in our fridge and pantry. Middle son got a job that required him to take a lunch so he bought himself a bunch of supplies. Oldest son is sort of a food ninja. He sneaks in after everyone is asleep and helps himself to everything. Anyways, middle son goes to make his lunch and all of his stuff is gone so now everything that’s his has a label that says do not touch. It was sort of fun to watch the shoe be on someone else’s foot for a change.
I liked your post, sorry for the long rambling comment.
Thanks!
I just laughed so hard reading this! Watching your sons squabble over who’s food is who’s would be the ultimate payback after all the years of having refrigerator trolls.
Don’t worry about long comments. I love them. Especially when they make me giggle that much!
Vodka makes everything better.. This is a proven fact. Unless you’re a violent alcoholic. Then it works in the opposite way.
Hugs!
Valerie
I completely agree!
Alcohol helps everything. Well, mostly everything.
And can I just admit that I have a complete man-crush on Mike Rowe. What a dude.
Amen, brother! Mike Rowe is a manly man if I ever did see one
This is hilarious. Mike Rowe. You had me at Mike Rowe.
I have a filthy, dirty job, kind of love for that man. He just does something to my lady bits…
Woah…um…who are all these people in the comments? I feel like I’m at the wrong party. Does this always happen when I show up so late?? OMG, I’m that irritating early-to-arrive, early-to-leave guest who misses out on all the fun! GAH! Now I’m all irrationally angry.
And a serious – and cruel – note: remember, your hormones are getting ready to change again so…this could have been a harbinger of what’s to come.
Love you! Enjoy!
Mwahahahaha!
Right?! I actually asked someone if that was maybe the beginning stages of menopause. She said that it probably wasn’t because I’m only 30, but she’s not a doctor, and I like you more, so I’m going to believe that that was a pre-pre-pre-menopausal showing of what I will be like when I’m a little bit older.
I’m going to prison someday…
Actually, it could totally be peri-menopause. True, it usually doesn’t start when someone is 30 but children don’t usually get cataracts, either. It CAN happen and sometimes does. Noelle started peri-menopause about 2 years ago when she was 33 so it’s not unheard of.
You should probably just start building a containment unit for yourself now. All the good mad scientists do this. You know you’re going to turn into Mr. Hyde so while you’re still in Jeckyl mode, you can make a space that is padded and only opens from the outside and is full of soothing contents like Ms. McSweetyPants and hard liquor and then buy a big, burly person to throw you in there when the time comes. Of course, you’ll also have to hire someone to let you back out when the worst has passed because you know your family won’t do that.