I found a kitten on Thursday. I’ve already named her Petunia Darnell McSweetiePants (because The Manchild won’t let me change my name to that.) She’s little and cute and fluffly and white and precious and softer than a fresh batch of cotton candy rolled in silk.
She has the personality of a doorknob at the moment, but I think it’s just because she feels abandoned.
I want her. No — I need her. And when I first looked into her little blue eyes, I could see that she needed me too. At that very moment, our spirits connected, and our minds were one.
I’m not going to lie to you: I felt a little violated by Petunia. Mind-raped, if you will. It’s okay though. She’s really soft, and she said she wouldn’t tell anyone what she saw.
For some reason, I believe her.
I really don’t need another pet at the moment. I’ve got 7 if you count the minions and The Manchild.
But this one is different, I swear! She won’t take up much space, is fully house-trained, and she only eats hopes and dreams! She would also be much less costly than a miniature pony. Plus, I’ve already made a place for her on my dresser next to my Fairy God Monkey.
She doesn’t weigh very much right now. Probably due to neglect. Or maybe it’s because she’s just a kitten. It’s been a long time since I’ve held something so small…
More than likely it’s because she’s made out of cardboard or something very cheap and lives on a glass shelf at some weirdly amazing oriental import store at the mall. Either way, she’s clearly depressed and in need of love.
The Manchild doesn’t think that she’s a necessary purchase. Of course, I disagree. The second I saw her, I got a huge lady boner, so I’ve been working this winged kitten into every and any conversation that I can.
He asked me if I wanted to go to the store, and I said, “Not really, but I bet the winged kitty would go for us. She loves shopping, and she’s very thrifty.”
He asked me to put mayonnaise on the shopping list. I said “I can’t. I don’t want to touch anything since the kitten with wings in case I never see her again.”
He mentioned something about getting a puppy friend for Dozer. I told him that we can’t afford another dog right, but that the wing-ed-kitty doesn’t need food and would be more than cost effective.
Eventually he got irritated with my subtle hints and told me to quit talking about that damn cat.
I pouted and told him that my winged kitty would never ask me to stop because she enjoys my whimsical imagination. He didn’t find that funny either…
So I have put together a small list for The Manchild (with a little bit of commentary for you), detailing a few reasons that I need to own Miss Petunia Darnell McSweetiePants. Let me know if you think this is convincing enough:
#1) She will bring me unrequited love and happiness. Just because she won’t talk to me, snuggle me, or return any of my 3,000 emails, doesn’t mean that I will love her any less. In fact, it will be just like my relationship with John Stamos. Minus the restraining order.
#2) I could set up a new email address in her name so that “she” can continue to stalk John Stamos for me until his lawyers figure out who “she” is. They always do. And no, that is not the reason that Manchild keeps getting cease and desist orders from his attorney. Maybe.
#3) She will teach me how to fly. How is this not practical? Think of all the gas I’d save if I flew everywhere! …I’m going to need a bigger purse.
#4) I just met her, and I already love her. Last night I had a dream that her & I were frolicking in a field of winged mice. Good times were had by all.
#5) If I get the kitty, I can stop talking about the kitty as if a piece of my soul were missing. I don’t have a soul, but if I did, she would definitely be holding a piece of it.
#6) I’m pretty sure that she posses some sort of magical powers. Enough said.
#7) I want to construct some sort of horn to fashion to her head. Because, pegakitty.
I think that if I keep mentioning her, she will be mine.