I found a kitten on Thursday. I’ve already named her Petunia Darnell McSweetiePants (because The Manchild won’t let me change my name to that.) She’s little and cute and fluffly and white and precious and softer than a fresh batch of cotton candy rolled in silk.
She has the personality of a doorknob at the moment, but I think it’s just because she feels abandoned.
I want her. No — I need her. And when I first looked into her little blue eyes, I could see that she needed me too. At that very moment, our spirits connected, and our minds were one.
I’m not going to lie to you: I felt a little violated by Petunia. Mind-raped, if you will. It’s okay though. She’s really soft, and she said she wouldn’t tell anyone what she saw.
For some reason, I believe her.
I really don’t need another pet at the moment. I’ve got 7 if you count the minions and The Manchild.
But this one is different, I swear! She won’t take up much space, is fully house-trained, and she only eats hopes and dreams! She would also be much less costly than a miniature pony. Plus, I’ve already made a place for her on my dresser next to my Fairy God Monkey.
She doesn’t weigh very much right now. Probably due to neglect. Or maybe it’s because she’s just a kitten. It’s been a long time since I’ve held something so small…
More than likely it’s because she’s made out of cardboard or something very cheap and lives on a glass shelf at some weirdly amazing oriental import store at the mall. Either way, she’s clearly depressed and in need of love.
aww… She looks so sad!
The Manchild doesn’t think that she’s a necessary purchase. Of course, I disagree. The second I saw her, I got a huge lady boner, so I’ve been working this winged kitten into every and any conversation that I can.
He asked me if I wanted to go to the store, and I said, “Not really, but I bet the winged kitty would go for us. She loves shopping, and she’s very thrifty.”
He asked me to put mayonnaise on the shopping list. I said “I can’t. I don’t want to touch anything since the kitten with wings in case I never see her again.”
He mentioned something about getting a puppy friend for Dozer. I told him that we can’t afford another dog right, but that the wing-ed-kitty doesn’t need food and would be more than cost effective.
Eventually he got irritated with my subtle hints and told me to quit talking about that damn cat.
I pouted and told him that my winged kitty would never ask me to stop because she enjoys my whimsical imagination. He didn’t find that funny either…
So I have put together a small list for The Manchild (with a little bit of commentary for you), detailing a few reasons that I need to own Miss Petunia Darnell McSweetiePants. Let me know if you think this is convincing enough:
#1) She will bring me unrequited love and happiness. Just because she won’t talk to me, snuggle me, or return any of my 3,000 emails, doesn’t mean that I will love her any less. In fact, it will be just like my relationship with John Stamos. Minus the restraining order.
I’ve been a bad girl, Uncle Jesse. I think I need to be covered in Greek yogurt and spanked until I quack… (source)
#2) I could set up a new email address in her name so that “she” can continue to stalk John Stamos for me until his lawyers figure out who “she” is. They always do. And no, that is not the reason that Manchild keeps getting cease and desist orders from his attorney. Maybe.
#3) She will teach me how to fly. How is this not practical? Think of all the gas I’d save if I flew everywhere! …I’m going to need a bigger purse.
#4) I just met her, and I already love her. Last night I had a dream that her & I were frolicking in a field of winged mice. Good times were had by all.
#5) If I get the kitty, I can stop talking about the kitty as if a piece of my soul were missing. I don’t have a soul, but if I did, she would definitely be holding a piece of it.
#6) I’m pretty sure that she posses some sort of magical powers. Enough said.
#7) I want to construct some sort of horn to fashion to her head. Because, pegakitty.
Do you not see how happy she could be? I think it might be (fake) animal cruelty for me NOT to own her…
I think that if I keep mentioning her, she will be mine.
Soon…
You should start asking for donations so that you can give her a good home. Im sure that there are plenty of good samaritans out there that would help!!
p.s. love the picture of John Stamos.
If I were to ask for donations for anything, it would be for a taxidermy squirrel so that I have something to put the squirrel underpants on that I got for Christmas. (which I might actually do. I have a post about that in my drafts folder…)
How could you NOT love a picture of John Stamos? The man is incredibly sexy. He’s the only man alive that I think could make a mullet look good.
I wonder if Rebecca Romjin (or however she spells her last name) agrees with you re: loving pictures of John Stamos.
Probably not. It’s okay though. I’ll trade her. I get John, and she can have The Manchild and an unlimited supply of Yokos Greek yogurt. We’ve all seen the commercials, right? They make your man look like hers. She would never know the difference…
I have NOT seen those commercials. Off to the YouTubes! And then to the store to get yogurt for my man! And Old Spice. Apparently. I HAVE seen THOSE commercials.
I think you should appeal to John Stamos to buy Ms McSweetie Pants for you in exchange for agreeing to cease and desist…only be very vague on how long the non-stalking is in effect for…he doesn’t need to know that when you say “I’ll stop stalking you” you actually mean “I’ll stop stalking you for 24 hours and after that, it’s game back on, motherfucker”
That is a little bit brilliant! But I think he’s on to me. He knows that I will NEVER stop. Maybe I shouldn’t have told him that at the last court hearing…
You need her, and she totally needs a horn. Please make pegakitty a reality. We could start up a donation; then The Manchild can’t refuse.
And I should totally read other people’s comments before commenting myself. I’d so be down to help you get a taxidermy squirrel. But this still doesn’t get you off the hook from owning pegakitty.
Right?! That cat NEEDS ME! The line from ‘Finding Nemo’ just ran through my head: “I shall call you squishy, and you shall be mine. You will be my squishy. Come here little squishy. Come here…”
I’m going to keep bringing her up until he gives in. She’s not expensive, but we don’t really have the money for frivolous purchases right now. (The human side of me has to admit that she is not a NEED. But the crazy side of me is much, MUCH louder, and WANTS her.)
She WILL be mine…
I fully support your quest for the winged pegakitty. If only in the hope it might inspire more artwork like the picture above
Thank you. It is a noble quest. One that I do not partake in jest. I shall own said winged kitten someday soon.
I am currently on the ass-end of this bottle of wine, and think I may have her withing my grasp as I type this…
Here’s to hoping that he likes fishing as much as I love Petunia!
(P.S. When I read this post to him, he said “Oh God. Now I have to get her for you, don’t I?!” *sparkly-giggle* Hell yeah you do!)
Reason #3 doesn’t make sense. Just because she has wings doesn’t mean she can fly and if she doesn’t know how to fly, how will she teach you? I mean, she could be part ostrich (they have wings and can’t fly) or penguin (ditto the ostrich).
You know what she COULD teach you, though? Patience. And I am sure the Manchild wants you to have more patience so he’ll probably like that reason far more than the flying reason.
Also, maybe you should have a birthday soon.
You are SO right! It was wrong of me to assume that just because she has wings that she can fly. I guess that I was just being super hopeful. I think I’m going to leave it in there for The Manchild though, because he probably won’t think about that.
As far as patience goes, I definitely need more of that. I’m not sure how she’ll teach me unless she starts talking. OR maybe that’s how she plans to teach me patience! Through silence…
If she weren’t so damn cute, I’d have thought she was being rude. But if Hollywood has taught us anything, it’s that being super adorable means that you can also be a super bitch.
Or she’ll teach you patience while you wait for her to teach you to fly with her useless ostrich wings! You will be patient like a sainted nun after that.
And I agree with Hollywood’s lesson. You can be a total bitch as long as you’re cute. Or hot. Or rich. Like Yzma (who was totally cute at the end, though not hot and only briefly rich. Well, actually, I don’t know what her financial situation was. If she could afford servants, she was probably rich all along)
There’s no way you can not get this!! She will be like that mechanical owl in Clash of the Titans. The original, not the remake. And I believe Bubo saved the day… Plus there was a Pegasus in that movie. Coincidence? I think not!!
Also… She’s really preeeeeety….
Hugs!!
Valerie
Isn’t she?! She’s the most beee-autiful kitty in the whole wide world…
Plus, I think it’s very neglectful that they didn’t already give her a horn. She obviously needs one. Now I’m going to have to go buy her and make one. Which also means that I’m going to be taking a hot glue gun to her forehead…
She may not like me anymore after that.