I’ve never really been one for making a resolution for the new year. It’s kind of a crock of shit if you ask me. Most people make resolutions, and fail miserably. Some people actually stick to their goals and fulfill them. Either way, that’s totally awesome if you’re one of those people…
I, however, am not.
One year I made a resolution to stop eating so much junk food. The first week was SO HARD! The kids had ass-loads of left-over Christmas candy in the cupboard, there were holiday themed treats everywhere I looked in my house, and all the stores had their remaining red & green anything on clearance…
Not to mention the fact that I LOVE to pretend like I’m a giant robot taking over the world and bite the heads off of anything with a snowman, Santa, gingerbread man, etc. on it.
By January 12th, I was back to eating half a package of store bought sugar cookies with way too much frosting on them because they’re delicious and I wasn’t paying attention to what I was doing while catching up on Dexter.
Another time I resolved to quit smoking.
I was so hopeful that “this was going to be it!”, that I was going to be free of my evil, expensive, smelly, annoying habit. I would be able to breathe better. I would smell better. Most of all, I would feel better! I was doing it this time!
I had my patches, my gum (for emergencies), my will to live, and my desire to stop. That’s all I needed, right?
My kids were going to be thrilled!
Umm… I forgot that you also need willpower. You need that little voice inside your head (your conscience, not your “crazy”) to be really freaking loud, and yell at you, and tell you “NO! YOU DON’T WANT TO SMOKE! YOU DO NOT WANT TO DO THIS! WALK AWAY NOW!”, right? Right. Well, my little voice wasn’t doing that. The other voices have teased my little voice so much over the years that he is now afraid to speak up. Instead, he just sits in the corner, in a puddle of his own excrement, rocking back and forth, whispering “I want to be a real boy…”, while the other voices continue to tease and throw things at him. It’s quite sad, really.
Needless to say; FAILED IT!
There was also that time when I said I was going to quit drinking, but I think we all know how that turned out. Are you freaking kidding me?! I’ve got three kids, The Manchild, and my parents living with me! One or three of those people may or not be clinically insane. And by that, I mean that three out of seven people that live in my house are absolutely bat-shit crazy. And one of them is not even me, you guys! No joke…
FAILED THAT ONE PHENOMENALLY!
In fact, the only time that I’ve ever made a resolution and stuck to it, was the year that I resolved to change nothing and just continue to be awesome. I’ve managed to fulfill that one for the last decade and then some, no sweat.
So, although there are a ton of things that I need/want to do this year; things I need to focus on; goals I need to set; I will not be making any “resolutions”. It’s too stressful. I don’t like holding me up to any standards, because there is a very good chance that I will let me down. Then I’d be all disappointed in me and I’d start telling me that I didn’t try hard enough. That just starts arguments with me. I don’t like yelling at me. So I’m not going to do it.
I will, however, say that I hope to gather the strength, courage, and (mostly) motivation to go back to school so that I can eventually better provide for my children, my family, and most of all, myself. Because I’m a selfish mofo and I want nice things. Like pants. And an army of stuffed squirrels with a jackalope for a leader.
I would also like to get rid of a few extra pounds. But I also know that I love anything full of sugar and calories and everything that’s bad for me and will possibly give me cancer when I’m 60. So I’m not too hopeful on that one. I like to start eating well and exercising, do it for 3 or 5 weeks (tops), then go back to devouring two boxes of chocolate covered cherries and a can of sour cream & onion Pringles a night.
I would also like to be calmer this year, but let’s face it: that’s not going to happen unless I kill my family. But that’s not going to happen. I still stand by the fact* that I am way too cute for prison…
This batch of nonsense is part of a Theme Thursday Link-Up brought to you by the always amazing Jenn over at somethingclever2.0
*It’s a fact in my head, so that’s good enough for me.