While I was trolling my FB feed the other night, I came across this gem:
Wasn’t that a bat-shit crazy Persian leader at some point?
Why, yes! Yes it was.
Okay, so maybe they changed a letter in the name, but either way — anyone that tells their soldiers to whip the water for bashing down his bridge is insane in my opinion. AND I’M NUCKING FUTS! That should tell you a lot about this guy.
Not once in my insanely disturbed life have I told my ninja squirrels to bash in the forehead of the sea because the shells I found on the beach didn’t contain talking crabs. ‘The Little Mermaid’ was my favorite movie EVER when I was young… Just sayin’.
So, these people at The Xerces Society are investigating dead bees and trees because apparently, stinging assholes are important. I don’t know about you, but there is absolutely NO lack of those pollinators around my house, which makes this entire conversation null and void.
Apparently, these bee lovers think that there’s been a pesticide misuse, or that these European trees in the Target parking lot are poisoning them.
Good for those trees! Those bees probably would have stung 2.5 children on their way into the store at some point anyway, so in a way, their deaths weren’t all for not. They may have actually saved some lives. Bee stings cause over 3,000 deaths a year in the U.S. (Which may or may not be true. I didn’t feel like doing the research, so I just pulled that number out of my ass. Don’t worry though — I washed my hands afterwards.)
On a completely unrelated-to-bees-note: I got an email the other day (from a person that wishes to remain anonymous) asking for some advice on life:
“Why is it that whenever I meet a guy that seems like a decent human being, I find out that he’s a total jerk with two kids that he doesn’t take care of?”
My answer is this:
People are assholes. My best advice would be to date men without kids. Especially if you don’t already have some of “them.” I know that’s hard to find nowadays, as most of them have some sort of bastard running around town all kinds of unkempt, but keep your hopes up. Every now and then, you can find a decent one. When you do: check Craigslist for pictures of his “junk” because a lot of “normal” guys post their stuff on there. Stay tuned to this channel for an upcoming post about a social experiment I did on there. It’s disturbing… And if you didn’t find this information useful, just remember: it was free, and you asked for it. At least you didn’t pay for this and get nothing! Instead, you just got nothing plus some random bee deaths. You’re welcome, anonymous friend.
For some reason, I’ve been getting a lot of these lately, and am considering turning into a weekly “thing.” If you have a random life question and/or contemplation that you would like answered on my blog, send me an email at firstname.lastname@example.org and I will feature you next week. I have received a few requests for answers to awesomeness lately. I don’t have a degree in anything amazing (other than ninja squirrel training and procrastination), but somehow, people seem to think that I can help with their personal problems. Send me yours. I’ll do my best to answer them in a timely Friday fashion…