I’ve had so many little things going on recently that I decided to do a messy cluster-fuck post about a bunch of random nothings and a couple of somethings. I hope the title sufficiently explained that and you’re not too disappointed in me today.
And if you are; Welcome! The line forms to the left. There might be some cold coffee left over there by the stale doughnuts.
(Hey – at least I put snacks out. Most people don’t do that for the throngs of angry villagers that follow them around their adoring fans.)
As many of you may know, Washington state is not known for it’s tropical temperatures and warm sea breezes. It rains here. A lot. A whole fucking lot. In fact, it’s been raining here for days now. Today, however, was also windy.
Around 3:30, a transformer down the road decided that it was nap-time and the entire surrounding area lost power.
My. Kids. Freaked. It was hilarious.
“… neither does this one … or this one …”
They were so excited! They ran from room to room to check that the power wasn’t only working in one part of the house (no doubt so that they could suck up whatever scrap of light they could find). They also checked the faucets.
“We still have water in this one, mom!” … “The light in the fridge is off too!”
Thanks for the report guys. I never would have known had you not diligently checked everything for me…
Seeing as how it gets dark outside around 4:45 now, my son started wondering how we were going to see because “we might not have enough tiny flashlights for everyone.”, and, “What about the pets? Won’t they get scared?”, and of course, “How are we going to stay warm? We might have to go outside and chop down the shed to burn for wood!”
I foresee problems. A) Really? Chop down the shed to burn for wood. For wood? Not fire? Not heat? That’s kind of an odd way to phrase that. B) That would entail giving The Manchild an ax. Just no. C) The shed is old and crappy and soaked. D) Then where would I keep my gnome traps? The boy obviously doesn’t think things through. I still love him though…
Nerdy Dad mentioned that Winco sells wood and if worse came to worse, we’d go get some to put in the fireplace.
I went downstairs to get some of my (way too many) candles while my Step-mom looked around in the hallway cabinet. While I was mounting my dryer in the dark trying not to knock down everything in the cupboard, I heard my 3 year old upstairs yell excitedly, “I HAVE CANDLES!”, followed by ten seconds of silence and then counting. She is constantly playing with my stash of tea lights and Scentsy wax cubes. As thoughtful as she was to go get some candles for us, there was no way in hell that she was giving any of them up. She also “collects” my decorative stones and I fear she may be in the beginning stages of becoming a hoarder.
With all of the freaking out that the kids were doing when the power went out for 10 whole minutes, I came to the sad realization that if there ever really is a zombie apocalypse (or any other disaster or scenario you could imagine) and I plan to survive it – I’m going to have to leave my children behind.
Or get a family membership to a gun range.
Soon.
I added a “RANDOM BUTTON” to my page. It’s somewhere over there —-> (it’s the one that says “random button”)
I’m going to update it radomly and link it to something random. Hence it being the “random button”. It might be funny, it might be inspirational, or it might be a complete waste of your time. I’ll try to stay away from things that you can’t unsee.
Also hanging out over to the side there is a button for Tuesday’s Tea Party. It’s a blog link-up hosted by the lovely Alice over at Adventure into Domesticland. You should go check out some of the fabulous blogs over there. If you tell them I sent you, they’ll probably try to shank you, so maybe don’t tell them that.
We have an insurance company out here called Vern Fonk Insurance. It’s one of those “diverse” places that will insure anyone. Literally.
Got caught drunk driving after you ran over a buffalo and a van full of nuns? Vern’s got you covered. Lost your license after you ran a bus full of orphans off a cliff because you were speeding and talking on the phone while snorting cocaine and masturbating? Vern’s your man! Can’t get a license in the first place because you’re a spy from Russia and you lost your fake I.D. but you need to insure your work truck so that you can still drive the guys to all the landscaping gigs so you don’t blow your cover? Call Vern!
I need to find a way to work on this guy’s marketing team. Most of the commercials have absolutely nothing to do with insurance and make no sense whatsoever. It’s pretty amazing and I want to drink his Kool-Aid. I’m posting a few of my favorites so that you can fully understand why I want to go to there.
Right?!? And this is shit they actually show on TV. To “advertise” his business.
I know, I know. What the fuck, right? Feel free to head to YouTube and explore some more of them. The pre-owned fish market one is pretty ridiculous too.
My 3yr old likes to hide/play/hang out underneath the computer desk in my room. I found this tonight when we were cleaning up “The Wrath of The Children”.
It’s like a flexible handle. Kind of a genius idea, kid.
I know you can’t tell from the picture (you’re welcome), but that’s the little vibrator that sits in the back of my nightstand stuck into a piece of grey foam tubing that came from who knows where.
She usually tattles on herself when she gets into my things because she thinks it’s funny. It’s not, and this time she didn’t.
The worst part? The fucking battery is dead.
And because I couldn’t leave you on that note – here’s a little jingle to get stuck in your head from my good ol’ buddy, Vern.
The last time our power went out I discovered that I have somehow gone from a candle hoarding hippie to candle destitution. Thankfully, I have one of those cute little oil lamps that they strategically place in stores so that people will spontaneously buy them. Me and my husband went through old photos by lantern light. It was awesome. Until the flame got warm enough to light the top of the lantern on fire. I really think there should be a product guarantee against that sort of thing…
But if it didn’t catch on fire, you wouldn’t have to buy another one! You know, the newly upgraded model with the extra button on the side…
My kids were worried that we might have to socialize before 7pm. It was pretty funny, but I almost wish it had stayed off for awhile so we could have had that time to make a few more silly memories, you know?
Totally. With the power out you basically have to entertain yourselves. We had a lot of fun while ours was down.
OMG!!! Now I know who hired Dick, the genius behind all those Miller Lite commercials in the late 90′s! The last one especially reminds me of the infamous “Twist to Open” ad. The Dick ads were some of the best shit to ever grace the boob tube… hey! Do I get credit for saying both “dick” and “boob” in the same sentence in a totally non-naughty way?
Yes and no. you get credit for using them both, but that credit is taken away for it not being used in an inappropriate manner.
I don’t remember those commercials, but in the early 90′s I was still decapitating Barbie and making Ken marry his cousin so they could have creepy wish troll children.
…and you said late 90′s. Oops!
Well, I still wasn’t paying attention, so I guess it doesn’t matter too much.
I’m sad that your power doesn’t go out often enough to warrant a “WHOOP WHOOP! The power’s out! Let’s wreck the place!” response from your kids. It’s a novelty in your house and while that’s cute, they aren’t taking advantage of the amazing opportunity to be horrible!
I used to love power outages, especially in the winter. We’d already have the fire going and then we’d light tons of candles and hang out, playing games or telling stories or whatever. After an hour, or so, some of the sibs would get bored, then fighting would ensue, then there were forts built and knocked down and then we’d have a rousing game of Sucker Upper it was just awesome.
Now that I think about it…power outages must be made of magic because there was no other time our mom let us behave like that. Hmm.
Also…why is your little vibrator so easy to access? Mine are all locked up and hard to get to (if you don’t know what you’re looking for) and I don’t even have kids. I just have paranoia and am worried my husband will put something like Tabasco sauce on one and that would be unexpected and probably not fun, though I guess that would depend on the situation and how much I’d had to drink.
Also, Vern Fonk? He’s scary. Well, his commercials are scary.
Power outages ARE made of magic. Magic and tickles and rainbows in the dark.
Vern is scary as shit, but his commercials crack me up in the most ridiculous way. I could totally have come up with those. But I didn’t and that makes me a sad panda.
I forgot to lock my little friend back up last time. I usually keep all that type of stuff put WAY away for just such a reason. What can I say? I can’t be completely brilliant ALL of the time! That wouldn’t be fair to everyone else…
And no, hot sauce would NOT be a very nice thing for him to do. That would be grounds for an ass-whoopin’ like he’s never seen!
oh. my. gosh. I don’t know where to start! This whole post was full of awesomeness!
I guess, first, start your kids off with some Nerf gun training in the dark. They have glow in the dark bullets nowadays, so you can see if they hit their target (which I imagine to be zombie faces taped to the walls of your house). Second, maybe you have a future engineer on your hands with that fancy vibrator/foam contraption. Spend more time with her and the Nerf guns…it’d be a shame to lose those brains to zombies. Third, I’m speechless over Vern. Just speechless. And headed over to YouTube now.
My son is actually a better shot with those damn things than I am. It’s pretty nuts. They all panicked though!
What if someone breaks into my house looking to rape and pillage? We’d all be hiding in the huge junk closet downstairs and they’d start freaking out and we’d get caught almost instantly. This is no good. I don’t want to be raped OR pillaged! I need to go get more printer ink!
My girls are both insanely smart and really advanced for their ages. I’m not just saying that because they’re mine and I think they’re awesome and perfect and all sugar & spice just because I grew them. Fuck that. They can be spaztastic when they want to be. But they are very smart and it wouldn’t surprise me one bit if either of them actually took over the world.
I teach them to dream big.
And yeah. Vern is a most curious phenomenon and I love him in a morbidly twisted way. It’s like having a crush on your third-cousin. You know it’s wrong, but you just can’t help it!
Hey!! So glad you linked up! Love all of your randomness, It’s right up my alley!!
Thanks darling! I really enjoyed your most recent post. At some point in the next something-or-other days here, I’ll get around to stalking you all proper like. If you get a bunch of comments from me in the middle of the night, don’t be scared. I just want to follow you home and tie you to a chair so that I can braid your hair and paint whiskers on you.
I think the “chopping the down the shed to burn for wood” is my favorite part. Your kids are PREPARED.
But the gun lessons might be a good idea.
I probably need the lessons more than they do. I’m not going to lie – I would probably be the first one getting bit because I’m easily distracted.
I think I’d like to have shots of tequila with Vern and his “creative director” for his ads. Crazy people are way more fun when you add alcohol.
When we had the tsunami scare of 2012 (this is how I plan to refer to it) I realized we own no candles. Not. One. Single. Candle. Da fvck?!
Right?!? Vern is a trip for sure. Quite possibly an acid trip…
How the hell does that happen? How do you end up not owning a single candle? I would cry. I love candles WAY too much. I used to buy them and sneak them into the house when The Manchild was at work. I don’t anymore, but mostly because I ran out of places to put them. I get lost in smelly things…
What.The.Hell.There.Are.Faces.On.His.Ass and now I’m singing Hole in my Pants as my boyfriend stares at me.
Stopping by from Tuesday’s Tea Party link up. Your post had me cracking up. Looking forward to catching up on the rest of them.
YAY! Thanks for stopping by! It’s a whole bunch of random mixed with some WTF over here. Please enjoy! Once I get over being “nice”, this will be the place to go for any and everything that you think but don’t want to admit. Still working on that.
Vern Fonk is an amazing phenomenon and I am seriously considering making his “Hole in my Pants” song my ringtone. Right now it’s the Oompa Loompa song so it’s a really tough decision. I am a huge fan of hearing “Oompa Loompa, doopity doo. I’ve got a perfect puzzle for you…” when my phone rings because I love those little orange fuckers.
Lol, I’m in the same place. I’m just starting my blog so I’m a little nicer than I usually am. I am cynical and curse like a sailor….and not always PC….Case in point when discussing baby names
Me: The name Keenan makes out kid sound like he should be black
Him: He pretty much is from the waist down
Our poor child was extremely well endowed on the 20 week ultrasound. I didn’t have the heart to tell him that A) The thing is usually a bit swollen when in the womb B) the testicles don’t drop until week 26 so he is looking at the thing with out any teabag present…
and that’s me in a nutshell (apparently I think I’m punny too)
Vern seems to understand the viral video concept- make something strange enough, it will show up on a blog somewhere and get passed around. I guess it’s working
I did enjoy the vids though, pretty funny.
The random button is genius! I like the way you think!
This post is so full of awesome I cain’t hardly stand it. I hope you and the Manchild and the Little Jenerals all have a fabulous Thanksgiving, complete with electricity.
Thanks honey! We’re going to his sister’s house, so I don’t have to cook this year. I’m egg-fucking-cited!
Hope you have a fantabulous Thanksgiving as well!
Vern Fonk is definitely going places! Who wouldn’t want to buy insurance from a company that has compassion for insane men who think they are seals? Does it sell any policies to cover being shat on by monkeys (a real hazard in my part of the world)?
I am completely unsure of that, but it would be a smart business move on his part. I’m not sure that his coverage extends as far as the Congo, but will be sure to find out next week (after Thanksgiving has passed and I come out of my turkey and gravy induced coma. I’m assuming I’ll be out for days) and I’ll let you know. If he doesn’t, then maybe you could pick that little gem up and run with it. I would imagine that it would catch on quickly! Especially if you accept bananas as a form of payment.
The part ‘if there ever really is a zombie apocalypse and I plan to survive it – I’m going to have to leave my children behind’ is hilarious. Actually, most things you wrote in this post is hilarious. Another blog to put on the reading list me thinks!
and sex toys locked away?? No, they should have front seats in a glass cabinet so everyone can see how sexually liberated you are…or is that just me??
You know – if the children don’t want to be scarred for life, maybe they should just keep their nosy little fingers out of my stuff.
And thanks for stopping by! I’m going to post something later tonight if it kills me. I’ve been slacking big time lately with the holidays and my very part time job. Oh, and I’ve been sleeping lately, so that puts a damper on my mid-night writing. It’s easier to hear the crazy when the kids are in bed…