I was watching football with the boys for a little while last night, and I saw something that I will never understand.
While football certainly qualifies as something that I don’t really understand — I could if I wanted to. I could learn all of the bajillions of seemingly unnecessary rules. I could figure out what it means when they get a tackle-down. I could ask The Manchild to explain the penalties. Hell, I could switch tabs right this moment and ask my friend, The Googly-Poo, how many yards are in an inning. But I don’t really care.
I saw a bunch of tattoos on one of the Packers. This in and of itself does not pose a problem. But this particular man has pretty dark skin, and that poked my curious kitten button.
I asked the boys (The Princess [Troy] and The Manchild) why they get tattoos when they don’t really even show up? I mean, I’m sure you can probably see them okay-ish up close, but… C’mon! What is that?! Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Is it Scooby Doo humping Daphne’s leg? I just really can’t tell!
Neither of the boys had a real answer for me, although The Princess suggested that maybe it’s so that they don’t feel left out. Gotta do what all the other cool kids are doing, right?
Apparently peer pressure IS a bitch.
Now, don’t get me wrong. Tattoos can be an amazerific thing if done well. I don’t personally have any. I can’t figure out anything that means enough to me to permanently scar my body with a likeness of it, but a tattoo can really tell you a lot about someone without saying a word.
When I was about 12, I couldn’t wait to
find someone with a homemade tat gun turn 18 and get a tattoo.
I wanted to get one on my calf (leg, not cow) of Tigger (yes, from Winnie The Pooh), throwing up a gang sign, while drinking a 40oz. of Old English and smoking a blunt. (Shut up! I lived in the ghetto.) THANK GOD nobody gave my stupid little ass that tattoo! All that one would have said about me is that I’m immature and have no goals in life. Which couldn’t be any more wrong. I’ve got all kinds of outlandish goals! Things like: owning a midget, world domination, and mastering ALL The Math.
Now — because I’m me, and my mind tends to take something perfectly normal and wander into strange, untold realms with it, I started wondering about other types of tattoos and body modification…
I know that there are some cultures around the globular that practice these types of things as rituals and religion and blah, blah, blah. But I’m talking about the people that do these kinds of things “just because”, or for “fashion” reasons.
I came across a few gems that I would like to share with you now, in the hopes that maybe one of you has a logical explanation for some of this. FYI: that tramp stamp up there is where the “normal” pictures end.
Face tattoos are another thing I don’t get. Like this guy. For some reason, I feel like he wants to sell me a life insurance policy right now. I also feel like I could follow his face to Oz.
Then there’s ‘why don’t you scoot a little closer and try to figure out the puzzle on me?‘ guy here:
Now comes the body modification/piercing segment. I don’t have a problem with piercings. I have a few of those myself and actually find them kind of hott. But these next two guys took it too far. They creep me the eff out, and make me want to hug and kiss my kids a thousand times more than I already do. Every. Single. Day.
I can’t even begin to imagine what was going through his head (or what he was on) when he started this little adventure…
Actually, I can. Ready?
- His Craigslist ad: ‘Single, 23 year old, angry goat-man seeks virgin for
sacrificelove. Must be pure and okay with decapitating rabbits.’
- I want to be a billy goat so that I can stomp out forest fires and become famous around the world.
- I want to be a dinosaur.
- I’m constantly horny. I wonder if there’s a way that I can express that to the world..?
- Fuck you, Mom. I’m getting ALL the earrings!
- If I do this, I can ask girls if they want to touch my nub. S.
- Why not? This is Portland… (wouldn’t surprise me)
- “I think I may have taken too many drugs, guys…”
- I shouldn’t have made that bet with Troy. He’s a dick.
This guy too. Holy flying crap monkeys!
So, please, if any of you have any insight into this strange endeavor, help this crazy lady understand it. Or, if you have any other speculations on what may have been going through their heads when they did this, please feel free to leave them in the comments. I love comments. Even if they’re weird. (Especially if they’re weird.)
If you are or know these guys, or someone like them — for the love of all that is fluffy, EMAIL ME! I would LOVE to talk to you. And possibly pet you…
And because I couldn’t leave you with Ol’ Mr. CrazyFace up there, here’s this picture to help explain even further how I feel.